Now, we get the joke!
The audio from the London “Club” sketch intended for the unfinished Orson’s Bag was lost long ago. However, the script with the missing dialogue has been uncovered in the Special Collections Library at the University of Michigan.
Matthew Asprey Gear, whose skill at unearthing information from various archives made his recent book At the End of the Street in the Shadow – Orson Welles and the City a joy, made the discovery.
“It seems to match up more or less with what is on screen, although there’s no knowing how Welles altered it in the dubbing room,” Gear said.
According to Gear, another page in these folders – neatly typed editing notes, possibly not typed by Orson – lays out the ‘Swinging London’ sequence structured in four parts: 1) the One Man Band and Orson in makeup as various local characters; 2) the Club; 3) Stately Homes; and 4) New Tailor.
Orson’s Bag was a planned 90-minute TV special for CBS, consisting of Welles’ condensed The Merchant of Venice and assorted sketches. It was abandoned in 1969 when CBS withdrew funding over Welles’ long-running disputes with the IRS. Some of the footage can be seen in the 1995 documentary Orson Welles: The One Man Band.
Gear was kind enough to make the script available to Wellesnet:
“CLUB” Sketch
From Orson’s Bag by Orson Welles circa 1969.
(CORNER OF ATHENEUM-TYPE CLUB)
FIRST OLD CLUBMAN
Swinging London? Pshaw!
SECOND OLD CLUBMAN
Pshaw!
FIRST OLD CLUBMAN
Shut up Buffy.
SECOND OLD CLUBMAN
Sorry.
FIRST OLD CLUBMAN
Don’t talk to me about Swinging London. These youngsters today don’t know what it means to have fun. Creep!
CREEP
(Doddery, servile waiter)
Yes Sir?
FIRST OLD CLUBMAN
Three more brandies. Oh, and Creep — have a glass of water on me.
CREEP
Oh, thank you sir — you’re a real gentleman, sir.
(BACKS AWAY WITH LOADED TRAY, DOFFING HIS FORELOCK — FALLS BACKWARDS OVER CHAIR)
FIRST OLD CLUBMAN
Splendid fellow, Creep.
SECOND OLD CLUBMAN
Splendid.
FIRST OLD CLUBMAN
Not like these long-haired youngsters today — you can’t tell if they’re fellas or females.
SECOND OLD CLUBMAN
Can’t tell.
FIRST OLD CLUBMAN
You can’t tell. Take that young son of mine – Beatrice. Always listening to those awful pop singers.
SECOND OLD CLUBMAN
Shocking noise. Can’t understand a word they say.
FIRST OLD CLUBMAN
Beg your pardon.
SECOND OLD CLUBMAN
Can’t understand a word they say.
FIRST OLD CLUBMAN
Maybe – but I can’t understand a word they say.
SECOND OLD CLUBMAN
Neither can I.
FIRST OLD CLUBMAN
Long haired layabouts… It’s all too easy for ’em… When we were their age we were…
SECOND OLD CLUBMAN
Fighting in France.
FIRST OLD CLUBMAN
Fighting in France – you don’t find these long-haired fellows fighting in France, do you?
SECOND OLD CLUBMAN
No, you don’t. That’s ‘cos they’ve got no imagination.
FIRST OLD CLUBMAN
No imagination — if we were bored, we didn’t just sit around listening to gramophones, waiting for our hair to grow.
SECOND OLD CLUBMAN
We went and fought in France.
FIRST OLD CLUBMAN
We didn’t even have any gramaphones (sic.). There weren’t any.
SECOND OLD CLUBMAN
No gramaphones. Had to play all our records on the sewing machine. Mind you, we had proper songs then — with good tunes.
FIRST OLD CLUBMAN
Good tunes. You don’t hear any sewing machines with good tunes nowadays.
SECOND OLD CLUBMAN
Lot of caterwauling nonsense.
FIRST OLD CLUBMAN
Did I ever tell you about my time in India?
SECOND OLD CLUBMAN
Yes.
FIRST OLD CLUBMAN
(TURNS TO SLEEPING FIGURE IN NEXT CHAIR)
Puffy, did I ever tell you about my time in India? …
(Silence)
Shame about old Puffy.
SECOND OLD CLUBMAN
Yes, somebody ought to complain.
FIRST OLD CLUBMAN
About old Puffy there?
SECOND OLD CLUBMAN
Yes… Fella’s been dead for three days.
FIRST OLD CLUBMAN
Really? Did he finish his brandy?
SECOND OLD CLUBMAN
Yes.
FIRST OLD CLUBMAN
Pity. Creep – make it just two brandies, will you. And hurry up, you idle beggar.
(FADE)
This script can be found in the archive for Orson’s Bag (1968–70) (subseries), Draft pages (various scenes) (typescript, carbon, and photocopy, annotated), 10 April – 11 September 1969 (folder 2). Box 17, Orson Welles–Oja Kodar Papers, Special Collections Library, University of Michigan.
* * *
Matthew Asprey Gear is an Australian media studies academic and one of the founding editors of Contrappasso magazine.
Gear is no stranger to Welles aficionados. His writings on Welles have appeared in Bright Lights Film Journal, Senses of Cinema and Wellesnet.
At the End of the Street in the Shadow – Orson Welles and the City is now available from Columbia University’s Wallflower Press.
It looks at the filmmaker’s work with an eye focused on his depiction of cities. Gear sees Welles as a poet and critic of the city with a deeply personal vision of urban society.
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